Friday, 30 September 2016

When I was rooting around in an old computer folder I found a lot of stuff I had written when I was pretty poorly with PTSD some years ago. It was a tough time faith wise. A time of what I now call fingernail faith, holding on to what you still know is true, but only just as if by your fingernails. 

Worship is a decision, not a feeling. And sometimes it is a decision to live the fact that God is still God and worship Him even if nothing makes sense and everything hurts. Or nothing hurts because nothing feels and everything is bone dry.  Or both.

God honours this. I absolutely want anyone in this situation to hear that God honours the choice to keep believing, keep worshiping, keep hanging on by those fingernails. And He will bless, will redeem, and will never leave your side.

Now I have come to my wit’s end Lord
which must be your beginning
I am walking alone in the desert and still
I don’t feel the wind and the heat

I know you are present but I am blind
to your pillar of cloud
and your fire by night
You died for me but my heart forgot
Because it has closed the door

on the good and the bad.
Lord I pray for rain
On the good and the bad
Lord I pray for tears,
On the good and the bad
Lord I pray for your joy,
For a heart that remembers the dance

Your voice speaks in silence Lord
but I can't hear 
Through the noise that invades my mind
I reach up my hands but their emptiness hurts

I don't feel your touch on my life

I'm beyond caring Lord just break my shell
smash into my emptiness
with the gentle strength of Your Spirit Lord
So I won't be dry no more.

Pain is preferable to nothing, although it has
Taken my soul many years to admit it
And I do not know the way
Lead me Lord in the way everlasting
Bring me back to life
Life in You as the only life
Worth living
Holy Lord
Be here

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