When I was rooting around in an old computer folder I found a lot of stuff I had written when I was pretty poorly with PTSD some years ago. It was a tough time faith wise. A time of what I now call fingernail faith, holding on to what you still know is true, but only just as if by your fingernails. 

Worship is a decision, not a feeling. And sometimes it is a decision to live the fact that God is still God and worship Him even if nothing makes sense and everything hurts. Or nothing hurts because nothing feels and everything is bone dry.  Or both.

God honours this. I absolutely want anyone in this situation to hear that God honours the choice to keep believing, keep worshiping, keep hanging on by those fingernails. And He will bless, will redeem, and will never leave your side.

Now I have come to my wit’s end Lord

which must be your beginning

I am walking alone in the desert and still

I don’t feel the wind and the heat

I know you are present but I am blind

to your pillar of cloud

and your fire by night

You died for me but my heart forgot

Because it has closed the door

on the good and the bad.

Lord I pray for rain

On the good and the bad

Lord I pray for tears,

On the good and the bad

Lord I pray for your joy,

For a heart that remembers the dance

Your voice speaks in silence Lord

but I can't hear 

Through the noise that invades my mind

I reach up my hands but their emptiness hurts

I don't feel your touch on my life

I'm beyond caring Lord just break my shell

smash into my emptiness

with the gentle strength of Your Spirit Lord

So I won't be dry no more.

***********

Pain is preferable to nothing, although it has

Taken my soul many years to admit it

And I do not know the way

Lead me Lord in the way everlasting

Bring me back to life

Life in You as the only life

Worth living

Holy Lord

Be here