Thursday, 4 December 2025

Advent 5

I am exactly where I need to be

Late tonight. It's been a day. Today I have been reminded of the village. the tribe the Lord has placed me in. My team lead unexpectedly had to be absent from the middle of the day for the foreseeable and suddenly an already pressured job is a lot more pressured. 

But I'm not alone

Wendy gave me a bottle of Coke Zero that I had not been able to pop out for but very much needed to get through emergency sorting of court cases. 

I have a wonderful team of lawyers, parelegals and trainees around me and we got so much done and supported each other. 

Fellow supervisor Helen was a rock, senior solicitor Lydia was empowering and supportive. 

The wonderful Suzanne stepped in at home so I could stay later. 

Natalya, Abbie and Amy provided moral support. 

Council provided carers already had Nathan showered and dressed in his PJs when I finally got home. 

Dee, Lizzie and Val from my home group came for a cuppa, and to keep me company as I destressed. 

Nathan was understanding despite having his routine completely upended with no warning. 

Carry each other's burdens and in this way you will fulfil the law of Christ - Galatians 6:2 

Wednesday, 3 December 2025

Advent 4

 I am exactly where I need to be


I would lie if I said it was easy to start again after a shock end to my marriage, alone with a teenager with complex needs. I didn't think I could, but I had to so I did. 

6 months later I ended up seeing my GP and sai the words 'I thought I was doing ok after my husband exploded our marriage', His eyebrows ended up in his hair. I had as usual underestimated the emotional impact of what happened. 

But I was exactly where I needed to be, in a home that was safe, clean from his hoarded clutter, more suitable to Nathan than ever, and surrounded by loving friends who just kept being there for me. New routines, new adventures, a new normal. 

He never took His hand off us. 

When hard pressed I cried to the Lord; He brought me into a spacious place - Psalm 118:5

Tuesday, 2 December 2025

Advent Three

I Am Exactly Where I Need To Be


Not long into this unwanted adventure for one, God spoke to me quite clearly: You are My rose on the Rock, You are a beautiful rose, vulnerable yet strong, and a bit spikey, and you stand on the Rock that is Me Nothing will happen to you without Me and I will keep you safe. I AM solid. You cannot fall. 

At a time where the man who abandoned me for other women and walked out on his son seemed to have it all - freedom, new relationships - while I carried the load of single parenthood, God made me see that I had the richer life, the more real life, because I was kept securely on the Rock, a rock not shaken by circumstances, but unwavering. 

Three years later I still feel that way. There is resentment over how his selfish decisions restrict my freedom, but it is fleeting and there is much gratitude for my, true, freedom. 

For in the day of trouble He will keep me safe in his dweliing and he will hide me in the shelter of his secret tent - and set me high upon a rock.

Psalm 27:5
 

Monday, 1 December 2025

Advent Two

 I am exactly where I need to be.

When we moved to Leamington, Peter strongly wanted to sell the house. I did not and unusually held fast, becoming a reluctant landlady. Less than two years later I was very grateful for this as Nathan and I were able to move home. 

Back to our old house to heal and start again. 

The house that became a home again through the friends that loved and surrounded us, who decorated, cleaned, repaired, schemed, moved, connected and cooked. Who just wanted us out of there and safely home. The family that God placed us in. 

Friends connected with other friends who they at that point did not know. The girlfriend of the son of a close friend weeded the garden. I was barred from my bedroom for a week while it had a makeover. Things just happened. I felt so very rich in the middle of fear, shellshock and sadness. 

God sets the lonely in families - Psalm 68:6. 

Sunday, 30 November 2025

Advent One



When I was Christmas shopping with my two besties I found this little house. Not the kind of thing I normally go for, it spoke to me and I brought it home. 

The words spoke to me. 

I am exactly where I need to be. 

Three years ago, in November 2022, my son and I moved back to our old home, my husband having broken up our marriage, his church ministry, the house that came with that and everything I thought was ours, including our future. 27 years and here I was, a single mum of a disabled teen, juggler extraordinaire out of necessity. 

I remember sitting in my cold study (worried about heating, not yet sure about finances and in a fight with the power company) and telling my elderly dog 'You're going to have to survive another winter buddy, because I need you'. Followed by sobbing. 

Exodus 14:14 - The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still.

You are exactly where you need to be. Just sit, in surrender. He will take care of it. He did. He was so faithful. He surrounded me with a family of friends, took care of my finances, saw us through that dark winter. And has not let go, ever since. 



Friday, 30 September 2016

When I was rooting around in an old computer folder I found a lot of stuff I had written when I was pretty poorly with PTSD some years ago. It was a tough time faith wise. A time of what I now call fingernail faith, holding on to what you still know is true, but only just as if by your fingernails. 

Worship is a decision, not a feeling. And sometimes it is a decision to live the fact that God is still God and worship Him even if nothing makes sense and everything hurts. Or nothing hurts because nothing feels and everything is bone dry.  Or both.

God honours this. I absolutely want anyone in this situation to hear that God honours the choice to keep believing, keep worshiping, keep hanging on by those fingernails. And He will bless, will redeem, and will never leave your side.


Now I have come to my wit’s end Lord
which must be your beginning
I am walking alone in the desert and still
I don’t feel the wind and the heat


I know you are present but I am blind
to your pillar of cloud
and your fire by night
You died for me but my heart forgot
Because it has closed the door


on the good and the bad.
Lord I pray for rain
On the good and the bad
Lord I pray for tears,
On the good and the bad
Lord I pray for your joy,
For a heart that remembers the dance


Your voice speaks in silence Lord
but I can't hear 
Through the noise that invades my mind
I reach up my hands but their emptiness hurts

I don't feel your touch on my life

I'm beyond caring Lord just break my shell
smash into my emptiness
with the gentle strength of Your Spirit Lord
So I won't be dry no more.


***********
Pain is preferable to nothing, although it has
Taken my soul many years to admit it
And I do not know the way
Lead me Lord in the way everlasting
Bring me back to life
Life in You as the only life
Worth living
Holy Lord
Be here

Friday, 10 October 2014

A bit of a side step for World Mental Health Day

It is World Mental Health Day, well for another three hours or so, and I've been brooding all day and decided to throw in my three pence worth, heavily influenced by my own experiences, rather than any sort of expertise.

As much as faith, and my faith community, are a life sustaining force, church can be a bit hit and miss when it comes to Mental Health. Even a really good church, working hard to live out the Bible in an authentic way. Anxiety in particular can be a sticking point:
  • ·         Ah, we all worry from time to time, that's normal, just keep giving it to the Lord
  • ·         Pray more, worry less
  • ·         Just cast your burdens on Jesus
  • ·         Just put those worries at the foot of the cross
  • ·         If medication doesn't work, just go back to the back of that course book, the prayers in there will help

These comments are all well meant, and also mostly very true, when it comes to worry of your every day common and garden variety. 'What if mortgage payments go up? Will Mother cope in that house on her own? Did we pick the right school? What if I get made redundant?' Your average 3am fretfulness. Yeah, I get that too. But that's not anxiety. That's normal worry, and THAT is the kind you can, and should, cast upon the Lord and He will take care of you. And I try to do it, with the typical variable result of a saint who is still very much a work in progress.

Anxiety is when your child has had a snotty nose for three days and while he tears around the house with his dog, happy as Larry, you sit on the edge of the sofa, paralysed, with just this obsessive compulsive thought going round your head 'He has leukaemia. He is going to die', round and round and round. To the exclusion of everything else.

Should I also cast this anxiety upon the Lord? Most definitely! Am I able to do it when this obsessive-compulsive anxiety really has a grip? No. Can't even fish a teabag out of a mug. It's an illness. It has ugly causes in my past and needs treatment in the here and now.  

Just bear in mind when you suggest 'just casting it upon the Lord', that this is the same as telling people to cast broken legs, cancer or diabetes onto Him. Just because it's in my mind doesn't mean fixing it is any easier! You would not tell people with a physical illness that a bit of prayer will fix it and you would certainly not suggest that they stop treatment and 'just trust in the Lord'. And yet, with mental health that is somehow ok? Depression and anxiety are so often painted as a lack of faith, a lack of trust in the Lord. Let me tell you, when you stand helplessly by the incubator containing your terrifyingly sick newborn baby, you either trust the Lord, or stop believing. So don't say I don't trust the Lord enough. I do. He has never given me reason not to. I simply have a mental illness that I didn't ask for and cannot fix on my own by just praying a bit more. 

God could choose to heal me instantly, through a miracle. He doesn't always. He worked a few in my son's life and that is more than anyone can ask for in their lifetime. Our God is a relational God and we are relational people. That clearly shows in the things that are making me get better, and I believe these are the means God puts in place to heal me at this time:

  • ·         Friends to talk to and pray with, and who pray for me
  • ·         A remarkable GP who in the current climate makes time to listen and care
  • ·         A good ('secular'!!) counsellor who is properly skilled in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy
  • ·         Medication, that gives me some rest and allows me to cope with therapy, and find my balance again. (Yes I need it, no it doesn't change me, no it's not addictive)


I have every hope of beating this again and feel better in and about myself. That's not given to everyone. Mental illness can be lifelong. Medication can be necessary for life. That can be hard to come to terms with. Here's a simple test: Before you decide to suggest something to someone about their mental health, ask yourself 'would I say this about diabetes too?'. No? Then think again.